She tried to pretend he wasn't drinkin' again
But daddy left the proof on her cheek . . .
                        ~Martina McBride, "Independence Day"

• Acts of domestic violence occur every nine seconds in the United States.
• 6 million women are beaten each year by their husbands or boyfriends.
• Battering is the single major cause of injury to women.
• About half of all couples experience at least one violent incident.
• 21 percent of all women who use the hospital emergency room are battered.
• 1 in 4 female suicides were victims of family violence.
• Children who have witnessed abuse or have been abused are 1,000 times more likely to abuse a spouse or child when they become adults.

• Emotional and verbal abuse:Survivors of domestic violence recount stories of put-downs, public humiliation, name-calling, mind games and manipulation by their partners. Many say that the emotional abuse they have suffered has left the deepest scars. It is a means of controlling through fear and degradation. It may include the following:
• Threats of harm
• Physical and social isolation
• Extreme jealousy and possessiveness
• Deprivation of resources to meet basic needs
• Intimidation, degradation, and humiliation
• Name calling and constant criticizing, insulting, and belittling the victim
• False accusations, blaming the victim for everything
• Ignoring, dismissing, or ridiculing the victim's needs
• Lying, breaking promises, and destroying the victim's trust
• Driving fast and recklessly to frighten and intimidate the victim
• Leaving the victim in a dangerous place
• Refusing to help when the victim is sick or injured
• Threats or acts of violence/injury upon pets or animals
  


• Isolation: It is common for an abuser to be extremely jealous and insist that the victim not see her friends or family. The resulting feeling of isolation may then be increased for the victim if she loses her job as a result of absenteeism or decreased productivity (common job-related behaviors of women who are being abused).
  

• Threats and Intimidation: Threats - including threats of violence, suicide, or of taking the children - are very common tactics employed by the batterer.

• Sexual Abuse:Sexual abuse in violent relationships is often the most difficult aspect of abuse for women to discuss. It may include any form of forced sex or sexual degradation, such as:
  
• Trying to make or making the victim perform sexual acts against her will.
• Pursuing sexual activity when the victim is not fully conscious, or is not asked, or is afraid to say no.
• Physically hurting the victim during sex.
• Coercing the victim to have sex without protection against pregnancy or sexually transmittable diseases.
• Criticizing the victim and calling her sexually degrading names.  

• Physical abuse:Physical abuse is usually recurrent and usually escalates both in frequency and in severity. It may include the following:         
  
• Pushing, shoving, slapping, hitting, punching, kicking the victim
• Holding, tying down, or restraining the victim
• Inflicting bruises, welts, lacerations, punctures, fractures, burns, scratches
• Strangling the victim
• Pulling the victim's hair or dragging the victim by the victim's hair or body parts
• Assaulting the victim with a weapon
• Inflicting injury upon pets or animals
  

Why doesn't the woman just leave? It's important to understand the psychology of abuse. Many victims of domestic violence describe the beginning of the relationship as wonderful. He is loving and caring, He pays a lot of attention to her. He gives her gifts. He wants to know her family and friends. He wants them to spend time together, sharing everything. He makes decisions for her, glad to help her out. He hovers over her, suggesting that she should want to be with him, not with her friends and family. He dotes on her and she is flattered by his bouts of jealousy.

After the first physically violent episode, he says he's sorry and cries. She thinks his behavior is an aberration, that there is no way it will happen again. When it does, he tells her it's her fault, that she made him do it. Wanting the relationship to work, she accepts the blame. When these exchanges are repeated, her sense of self-esteem erodes, and she begins to internalize the blame. 

She is confused about what is happening to her, but she also feels responsible, resulting in feelings of shame, embarrassment, and humiliation. She tries to justify his abusive behavior. She grieves the loss of the person she loves and the life they were going to create, so she keeps struggling to change her behavior so he has no reason to be upset.

He increases the use of threats and force against her. Her new reaction - fear - often keeps the woman trapped in the relationship. If she confronts him and says she's going to leave, he tells her he will kill her if she tries. She finds it's easier to stay than to leave.

Leaving can be a lot harder than it might appear. Low self-esteem, denial, hope that "things will get better," and fear for her children are the most common reasons women give for staying in abusive relationships. But there are economic considerations as well. Family and friends may not be supportive. Workplaces may turn a deaf ear. Faced with rent and utility deposits, food, day care, health insurance, and other basic expenses, the woman may feel unable to support herself and her children. In some instances, the woman may increase the chance of physical harm or even death if she leaves an abusive spouse.

Who is the abuser?  There is no 'typical' perpetrator of domestic violence. However, researchers have found that men who abuse often: 

• Use violence and emotional abuse to control their families.
• Believe that they have the right to behave in whatever way they choose while in their own home.
• Think that a 'real' man should be tough, powerful and the head of the household. They believe they should make most of the decisions, including how money is spent.
• Believe that men are entitled to sex from their partners.
• Don't take responsibility for their behavior and prefer to think that loved ones or circumstances provoked their outburst.
• Make excuses for their violence: for example, they will blame alcohol or stress.
• Report 'losing control' when angry around their families, but can control their anger around other people. They don't tend to use violence around friends, bosses, work colleagues or the police.
• Try to minimize their use of violence, blame others, justify or deny their use of violence, or the impact of their violence towards women and children.
  

• Did he grow up in a violent home?
• Does he tend to use force or violence to solve problems?
• Does he abuse alcohol or other drugs?
• Does he have strong traditional ideals about what a man should be and what a woman should be?
• Is he jealous of other relationships - not just with other men - but also with women friends or family members?
• Does he have access to guns, knives, or other lethal instruments?
• Does he expect you to follow his orders or advice?
• Does he go through extreme highs and lows?
• When he gets angry, do you fear him? 
• Do you find not making him angry becomes a major part of your life?