In the Solomon Islands in the south Pacific some villagers practice a unique form of logging, according to Robert Fulghum, author of All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten. If a tree is too large to be felled with an ax, the natives cut it down by yelling at it. Woodsmen with special powers creep up on a tree just at dawn and suddenly scream at it at the top of their lungs. They continue this for 30 days. The tree dies and falls over. The theory is that the hollering kills the spirit of the tree. According to the villagers, it always works.

We all become angry at times and many of us yell at the object of our displeasure or we certainly want to. We have family members and co-workers who push our last button, and we let a torrent of angry words spill out. We yell at the computer and the lawn mower and our children. We yell at the television and the newspaper. We kick the car when the battery won't start. We educated, modern and urbane people yell at traffic and umpires and bills and banks and machines. (Actually, machines and relatives get yelled at the most.)

Yelling has its place. Yelling for your team to score at a ballgame is fun. Yelling to get your friend's attention may be necessary. Yelling to prevent a child from running into the street in front of a car is lifesaving. That's not what we're talking about here. We're talking about yelling angrily at a living thing. Some say that even that kind of yelling has a virtue - it allows angry feelings to be defused . . . but at what cost? The villagers may have a point when they say yelling at a living thing kills its spirit. Sticks and stones may break our bones, but words will break our hearts.

Anger, the source of much yelling, has been given a bad rap. Anger is a perfectly normal emotion that is a reaction to a real or perceived social insult and it can vary in intensity from mild annoyance to all-out rage. It's not anger that gets us in trouble - it's how we express our anger. The most instinctive and natural way to express anger is through aggression. A driver cuts you off and several physiological events occur - your heart and respiration rates jump and your adrenaline kicks in. Suddenly, your indignation and animosity makes you want to get even with the other driver. You blow your horn. You curse and perhaps use your fingers in creative ways. The desire to get even is why so many of us identified with Evelyn Couch in Fried Green Tomatoes when she rammed her car repeatedly into the car of two young women who took her parking spot. It's something most of us have wanted to do ourselves, but we don't because of laws, social norms and common sense.  

For the next three weeks, monitor your anger. After each episode, ask yourself:

Here are some things you might try:

ANTIDOTE 1 - Patience.
Patience is the main antidote to anger. Counting to 100 gives you time to use your mind instead of your emotions.

ANTIDOTE 2 - Understand that problems and frustration is a basic fact of life.  
Once we understand that, it can reduce our impatience with our own unrealistic expectations. In other words: nothing is perfect, so don't expect it.

ANTIDOTE 3 - Understand that our own thoughts determine our actions.
The real reasons for our problems are our own actions, which are in turn caused by our own negative state of mind. No one can make you angry. At any given time and in every situation, you chose how you respond.

ANTIDOTE 4 - We can either change or accept situations.  
We can find ourselves in two types of unpleasant situations: ones we can change and ones we cannot change. If we can change the situation, we should do something about it instead of getting all worked-up and angry. Not acting in such a situation will cause frustration in the end. If we cannot change the situation, we will have to accept it. If I don't, it will only lead to frustration and a negative and unpleasant state of mind, which will make the situation worse.


ANTIDOTE 5 - Be realistic when you analyze situations.
For example: someone accuses me of something. If it is true, I apparently made a mistake, so I should listen and learn from it. If it is untrue, the other person made a mistake. I should remember that nobody is perfect. I make mistakes too, and if I choose to label the other person as "the enemy," it may be impossible to have a helpful discussion and difficult to forgive and forget. I also need to evaluate my own role in the situation.

ANTIDOTE 6 - Recognize that all of us want basically the same things.  
Others want happiness, just like I do. Others make mistakes just like I do. Others are confused, angry, distracted, dealing with difficult issues just like I am. Is the other person happy in this situation, or struggling just like I am?

 

Talk things over and be prepared to listen. You may find that the other person's motivation can suddenly make a problem acceptable. When there is a plane delay and nobody gives any reasons for it, people quickly become irritated and hostile. But when the pilot explains there is a technical problem or an accident the waiting becomes easier.

ANTIDOTE 8 - Ask yourself if your anger is really worth the cost.
Is this situation actually important enough to spoil your own and other people's mood? In five years, will this issue be important? We are all given a limited time on earth. Do we want to spend even a minute of it being angry?

ANTIDOTE 9 - Seek calmness.
If a situation is truly unacceptable and you need to convince another person to do something or change something, do it with calmness. It is much more effective and efficient if you show understanding and try to help the other person understand the need for change. As Stephen Covey says in Seven Habits of Highly Effective People: "Seek first to understand and then to be understood."

 
ANTIDOTE 10 - Watch Your Hands.
A suggestion from Jon Kabat-Zinn, author of Wherever You Go, There You Are:" All our hand postures are mudras in that they are associated with subtle or not-so-subtle energies. Take the energy of the fist, for instance. When we get angry, our hands tend to close into fists. Some people unknowingly practice this mudra a lot in their lives. It waters the seeds of anger and violence within you ever time you do it, and they respond by sprouting and growing stronger. The next time you find yourself making fists out of anger, pay attention. Feel the tension, the hatred, the anger, the aggression and the fear which it contains. Then, in the midst of your anger, as an experiment, if the person you are angry at is present, try opening your fists and placing the palms together over your heart in the prayer position right in front of him. . . Notice what happens to the anger and hurt as you hold this position for even a few moments."