Grief is a normal and natural reaction to loss. It's internal emotional suffering at its most poignant. It's different from mourning, which is the outward manifestation of grief. Most of us think of grief as it is associated with the death of a loved one because this is the most intense kind of pain. But, experts tell us that there are at least 43 life events that can cause grief, including:

Death of a loved one
End of a marriage or other significant relationship
Going to war
Coming home from a war
Loss of physical ability
Death of a pet
Illness
Loss of job
Major change in finances
Moving
Graduation
Loss of safety after a trauma and more

Basically, the more significant the loss, the more intensely we grieve. Grief is highly personal and each of us has to do it in our own way and in our own time. How you grieve depends on a number of factors including your life experience, your coping skills, your faith, your personality, and the nature of the loss. Becoming reconciled to a loss takes time.

Since humankind experienced its first loss, people have tried to understand it and figure ways to ease the emotional pain. Some of their ideas have filtered down to us today. We continue to believe them, although more recent research indicates that they are erroneous. Some of those myths are:

MYTH: Ignore the pain and it will go away sooner.
FACT: When you push your pain down, you are in some ways just condensing it, making it harder to let go. For healing to occur, you have to experience your grief and actively deal with it.

MYTH: You must be strong.
FACT: It's okay to cry. It's okay to feel your emotions. Being "strong" for someone else may actually slow down healing for both of you.

MYTH: If you don't cry, you don't care.
FACT: People express their grief in different ways. Some people cry; others find ways to celebrate the person's life. Some need outward expression of grief; others may pull inward, reflecting on the loss and what it means in terms of their own life. Men, in particular, fear that tears are signs of weakness. In truth, during grief, tears are simply a sign of having loved someone who has died.

MYTH: Grief should last about a year.
FACT: There is no time table for grief. We all move through it at our own pace.

MYTH: You just need to get over it.
FACT: Grief is not something you get over. Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt said it best when he said, "To think that we as human beings 'get over' grief is ridiculous! We never 'get over' our grief but instead become reconciled to it." (Wolfelt, 2000).

MYTH: Time is the great healer. It just takes time to get over a loss.
FACT: Grief is not about time. It's about a hurting heart that needs to be acknowledged. The passage of time helps, but it is only one variable among many. The value of time is that it lets you sort through your feelings. Reconciliation begins with self-awareness. Part of that process is to release many things such as cause of death, relationship with the deceased, feelings, memories, possessions, and other things.

The most current thought on dealing with grief is to:

Give yourself permission to feel the pain and loss.
Be patient with the process and don't pressure yourself with unrealistic expectations.
Accept yourself as you experience your pain, your emotions, your own way of healing, and your own timetable.
Express your feelings. Let yourself cry. Both are necessary for healing.
Get support. Talk about your loss, your memories, and your experience of the life and death of your loved one. Do not protect your family and friends by not expressing your sadness. Ask others for what you need.
Try to maintain your basic lifestyle. Avoid making major life changes (for example, moving, changing jobs, altering important relationships) within the first year of bereavement. This will allow you to maintain roots and a sense of security.
Take care of yourself by eating well and exercising. Physical activity releases tension. Allow yourself small physical pleasures that may help you replenish yourself like hot baths, naps, and favorite foods.
Avoid overindulgence in alcohol. Since alcohol is a depressant, it will only make you feel worse in the long run.
Forgive yourself for all the things you said or didn't say or do. Compassion and forgiveness for yourself and others is important in healing.
Give yourself a break from grief. Although it is necessary to work through grief, you do not need to constantly focus on it. It is healthy to find appropriate distractions like going to a movie, dinner, or a ball game, reading a good book, listening to music, getting a massage or manicure.
Prepare for holidays and anniversaries. Decide if you want to continue certain traditions or create new ones. Plan in advance how you want to spend your time and with whom. Do something symbolic in memory of your loved one.
Join a bereavement support group. Others can give encouragement, information, guidance, comfort, practical suggestions, and can help you feel less isolated.
Talk to a mental health professional. It's a confidential and safe place to express some of the feelings you might be uncomfortable expressing to family members, friends, or your minister.