HELLO MY NAME IS...

Mary, a 21-year-old college student, has never been on a date. She's attractive, smart and funny, and guys ask her out all the time. She wants romance in her life and she fears she'll be alone forever. But she can't bring herself to respond to men's advances. When a man makes a move toward her, she blushes and her hands get sweaty. Her mind goes blank, and she can't think of anything to say. She is paralyzed with fear. Then she turns them down. What if she can't make conversation? What if he thinks she's stupid? What if she gets food between her teeth? What if he talks about something she knows nothing about? The risk is too great.
 
Mary has social anxiety about meeting new people.
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Judith, a 51-year-old grandmother, had a panic attack in the doctor's office. She was waiting in the lobby when suddenly she was overwhelmed with the feeling that everyone was watching her. They were looking at her face, her hair, her clothes, even how she sat, and they were judging her appearance. She felt all eyes were on her. She began sweating and feeling flushed. Her heart pounded. She grabbed her handbag and ran to her car. What if people think she's too ugly to be in public? What if they think she's in the doctor's office because she has a sexually transmitted disease? She feels silly, but she can't bring herself to go back into the office.
 
Judith has social anxiety about public places.
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Jeff, a computer programmer, likes his job because he works alone and seldom has to interact with coworkers. The company is pleased with his work and would like to promote him. He is very confused. The promotion will mean more money and prestige and help him expand his knowledge. But six people will report to him, meaning he'll have to be in constant contact with them. He'll also be in more frequent contact with his own manager. What if he doesn't have all the answers? What if everyone realizes he doesn't know what he's talking about? What if someone disagrees with him? His fears are too great, and he turns down the job. 
 
Jeff has social anxiety about work.

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These three people have social anxiety disorder, which is characterized by overwhelming anxiety and excessive self-consciousness in everyday social situations. People who have this - about 13 percent of those who live in Western countries - have a persistent, intense and chronic fear of being watched and judged by others and of being humiliated or embarrassed by their own actions. The disorder is a much more extreme version of butterflies in the stomach before public speaking. The intensity of the feelings interferes with school, work and other activities, and it may keep the person from making and keeping friends. This kind of social phobia can be limited to one particular situation such as eating or writing in front of others or it can be a generalized fear that causes symptoms almost anytime they are around people.
 
Emotional and behavioral symptoms of social anxiety disorder include:

• Intense fear or being in situations where you don't know people
• Fear of situations in which you may be judged
• Worrying abut embarrassing or humiliating yourself
• Fear that others will notice that you look anxious
• Anxiety that disrupts your daily routine, work and family life
• Avoiding doing things or speaking to people out of embarrassment
• Avoiding situations where you might be the center of attention

Physical symptoms include:

• Blushing
• Profuse sweating
• Nausea
• Upset stomach
• Difficulty talking
• Shaky voice
• Muscle tension
• Confusion
• Palpitations
• Diarrhea
• Cold, clammy hands
• Difficulty making eye contact 

Social anxiety disorder is associated with low self-esteem, trouble being assertive, negative self-talk, hypersensitivity to criticism and poor social skills. It may begin in the early to mid-teens, although it can begin earlier in childhood or in adulthood.
 
The good news is that social anxiety disorder is treatable. The bad news is that often the nature of the disorder keeps the sufferer from asking for help. They fear being judged for their disorder or looking foolish in therapy. Once they can get past their fears, there is a wealth of treatment options available. Behavior therapy is one of the more viable options. It is not something done to a person; it's a structured set of techniques that the person learns to use whenever anxiety, panic, discomfort or avoidance arises.
 
Basically, a person is asked to face the thing they fear. They also learn how to stop using avoidance as a method of coping with anxiety. It may include:
 
Exposure Therapy. People with social anxiety are taught skills to use in anxiety provoking situations that help them diminish the feeling of overwhelming panic. The counselor encourages them to put themselves into situations that they normally avoid due to anxiety so they can use their new skills. After several successful attempts, they will realize their fears are ungrounded and the anxiety will gradually diminish.
 
Cognitive Restructuring.  People with society anxiety are taught to identify the thoughts that cause their anxiety. By learning to control their thoughts and redirect them, they can change their feelings from debilitating anxiety to more functional feelings.
 
Relaxation Training. This training is often used in conjunction with the two above to strengthen the sufferer's control over their symptoms. The person learns different methods of controlling the stress they experience. This may include yoga, breathing exercises, stretching, physical exercise and others.
 
Social Skills Training. This teaches people how to improve their behavior in social situations so they will feel more comfortable. Not all people who have social anxiety disorder have issues with their social skills, so this therapy does not benefit everyone.
 
Medication Therapy. Dispensed by a physician, some medications help relieve the symptoms of anxiety disorder. Most of these medications have side effects that should be discussed with the prescribing doctor.
 
Tips for Coping
If you are one of those who lives with anxiety disorder, there are things you can do for yourself. These suggestions may feel uncomfortable at first, but the confidence gained is worth the effort.
 
Change of attitude. The way we think affects the way we feel. If we don't like the way we're feeling, we need to change the way we're thinking. There's a quote that goes: "If you keep on doing what you've always done, you'll keep on getting what you've always got." The key here is to change your thinking. Social anxiety is often caused by self-imposed unrealistic expectations. If we expect perfection of ourselves, we are always going to fail. If we give ourselves permission to make mistakes, we make ourselves human. People like us more when they know we're human.
 
Be realistic. Realistically, most people don't pay as much attention to us as we think they do. On their radar screen we are probably a small blip.
 
Change of focus. When we focus on others, rather than ourselves, we take ourselves out of the limelight. Come up with some open-ended questions you can ask others in social situations. "Tell me about you." "What do you do for fun?" "What do you like best about your job?" "Where did you go on your last vacation?" What you quickly find is that people really like to talk about themselves. All you have to do is give them an opening, and they'll run with it. Be a good listener. The focus is on them, and they'll leave with the impression that you are a great conversationalist.
 
Get out of your comfort zone. Take a risk. Push yourself one step at a time to be more outgoing. Say "hello" to people. Look them in the eye.