Forgiveness: John Wayne was Wrong

by Ronald E. King, Ph.D.

     When I was seven years old I witnessed my next door neighbor run over and kill my dog. He was driving too fast when my dog ran across the road chasing a neighborhood cat. It was my dog's fault I suppose, but as a seven-year-old, I hated what happened and I think I probably hated my neighbor.

     Pretty strong feelings for a young boy growing up in the south. But I loved that dog. He was my constant companion and best friend.

     About an hour after the incident, the next door neighbor came into my dad's store and asked, "Did I hit something when I came by earlier?" I was standing in another part of the store listening. I couldn't look at this man and I did not want him seeing me.

     "Yes, you did," my dad replied, "you hit my son's dog and he's dead."

     "Oh, I'm sorry," he said. "Please tell your son I'm sorry. I hope he will forgive me."

     My world took on a new complexity at that moment. I guess you could call it my first existential crisis. I was full of grief, anger and hatred for what had happened and the source of all my vitriolic feelings, the man who had killed my dog was asking for forgiveness. What a conundrum for a seven-year-old boy.

     The reality of this thing we call forgiveness encountered me early and often in my life and this has not changed as I have aged. And guess what, I have discovered that my experiences are every person's experience when it comes to this matter of forgiveness.

     Jesus must have had an understanding of these types of experiences because he addresses these very issues in a most fascinating manner in one of my favorite chapters in the Gospel of Matthew. At this point in Jesus ministry, the disciples are struggling to comprehend Jesus and his unique perspective on life. He keeps confusing them. His teaching has a twist unlike any other rabbi they have encountered. Who's going to be in charge is one of their major concerns. And some things haven't changed a lot since then. We still wonder who's in charge.

     And again Jesus surprises. In Matthew 18:1-5, the gospel writer tells about this experience.

    "At about the same time, the disciples came to Jesus asking, "Who gets the highest rank in God's kingdom?' For an answer Jesus called over a child, whom he stood in the middle of the room, and said, "I'm telling you, once and for all, that unless you return to square one and start over like children, you're not even going to get a look at the kingdom, let alone get in. Whoever becomes simple and elemental again, like this child, will rank high in God's kingdom. What's more, when you receive the childlike on my account, it's the same as receiving me."

     Jesus has been talking about this issue and many others with his disciples. In fact over the past year of so, Jesus has told his disciples so many upside down and backwards things about life and living in the kingdom, that they were certainly entitled to be confused. They had never heard any one else talk exactly this way. This whole concept of kingdom of heaven or Kingdom of God is not an easy concept to grasp anyway and if the disciples were struggling, it's no surprise that we also struggle with it at times.

     The Kingdom of God is a foundational concept in all three Abrahamic religions -Judaism, Islam and Christianity. But, Jesus, as usual, defines it in a very unique way and it appears the disciples had not gotten it. Jesus had tried to explain it and now he resorts to show and tell. You understand show and tell. You show somebody something and then you tell them about it.

     Jesus called a child over. A child. The child was not part of their group. He was somewhere outside the group. Jesus called him over. Now children, like cats, do not always come when they are summoned. But he came, and the scripture says Jesus sat the child in front of them.

     It is extremely important that we in the 21st century understand the role of children in the first century. It was not a child centered world. Children were more of a liability than an asset. The family didn't revolve around children as it often does today. Children were on the outside looking in. They were not at the center. Men were much more important than children or women.

     The world of the first century was ruled by "real men."  Men like John Wayne, the Duke. The strong survived and the weak did not. How could a child have anything to do with being in charge of a kingdom?

     And Jesus says, unless you turn and become like children you cannot be in the kingdom.

     Whooo, back up the bus. What in the world is Jesus saying?

     These words don't really make sense in our Survivor, American Idol world where the strongest survive, the most talented move on and sign lucrative contracts, and everyone wants to be seen as the greatest.

     Jesus says whoever people consider the least, God sees as the greatest. Well, He doesn't stop. He goes on to say, if you are humble like this child, then you will be one of the greatest in the Kingdom. A child will be the greatest. Humility is the key to being in the Kingdom. What in the world is Jesus saying? What is there about children that make them so special?

     Well, I have to admit that a young man named Jack has revealed this truth to me over the past few months in new and exciting ways. This five-year-old, like most young children, approaches the world in such a trusting and unpretentious manner that amazes me. He is open to each and every moment of life in ways that I have long forgotten. And perhaps the disciples had forgotten. The transformation of a tadpole into a frog becomes an incredulous, marvelous experience. I find myself seeing the world in new and amazing ways because of this five-year-old's perspective. This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it appears to be his philosophy of life.

     Yes, a grandson can easily amaze his pop pop, but Jesus appears to suggest that the childlike humility and perspective on this wonderful world is important to all of us adults if we want to follow him. But he doesn't stop there. He moves on into this matter of forgiveness that I encountered as a young child. He must have understood that this issue is important for children and adults.

In that same chapter of Matthew the gospel writer reports another part of the Jesus story. Peter came to Jesus asking questions about forgiveness. It goes like this:

"At that point Peter got up the nerve to ask, "Master, how many times do I forgive a brother or sister who hurts me? Seven?" Jesus replied, "Seven! Hardly, Try seventy times seven. The kingdom of God is like a king who decided to square accounts with his servants. As he got under way, one servant was brought before him who had run up a debt of a hundred thousand dollars. He couldn't pay up, so the king ordered the man, along with his wife, children, and goods, to be auctioned off at the slave market. The poor wretch threw himself at the king's feet and begged, 'Give me a chance and I'll pay it all back.' Touched by his plea, the king let him off, erasing the debt.

"The servant was no sooner out of the room when he came upon one of his fellow servants who owed him ten dollars. He seized him by the throat and demanded, 'Pay up. Now!' The poor wretch threw himself down and begged, 'Give me a chance and I'll pay it all back.' But he wouldn't do it. He had him arrested and put in jail until the debt was paid. When the other servants saw this going on, they were outraged and brought a detailed report to the king.

"The king summoned the man and said, 'You evil servant! I forgave your entire debt when you begged me for mercy. Shouldn't you be compelled to be merciful to your fellow servant who asked for mercy?' The king was furious and put the screws to the man until he paid back his entire debt. And that's exactly what my Father in heaven is going to do to each one of you who doesn't forgive unconditionally anyone who asks for mercy."

     This issue of forgiveness is a serious one for Jesus. And I promise you, it is a serious matter for each and every human. James Coulter says, "The unforgiving spirit is the #1 killer of a person's spiritual life." Jesus understood this. He knows this business of forgiveness is critical to entering the kingdom.

     Peter is probably dazed and confused. First, a child will be in charge of the kingdom, and now I am supposed to forgive somebody nearly 500 times? When Peter asked about forgiving someone seven times, he was going way beyond what was required by the law. In fact, he was perhaps trying to impress Christ with his goodness. But once again, Jesus confounded his disciples. Seventy times seven, Jesus said. Or to put it another way...Forgiveness, Jesus said, is beyond calculation. You can't do it with your head. You have to do it with your heart.

     Forgiveness is a matter of the heart, not the head.

     Now here's where I find myself asking, 'Is this a story about a king and some guy from the first century or is this a story about you and me and our relationship with God and one another?'

     Because we heard Peter's question about forgiveness, it appears this story is about God's forgiveness and what can happen when we hoard it. And if Peter and the rest of us, who come after him, still do not get it, Matthew helps us by including Jesus' final warning. My father will do the same to each of you if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart.

    This matter of forgiveness is serious. Forgiveness- a matter of the heart, not the head, Jesus says.

    Jesus is evidently saying to his disciples and to us today, the kingdom of heaven on earth is the kind of reality where enormous debts are forgiven. Where enormous debts have been forgiven by God, people are expected to live in a way where they forgive one another. If we do not, then God is not going to forgive us. This sounds like serious stuff.  If God forgives me then I must forgive others if I want to live in the kingdom of heaven.

     As we listen to the radio and television commentators, as we read the blogs and emails swirling through the ever expanding electronic space, we do not often encounter this spirit of humility, childlikeness and forgiveness that we hear from Jesus. But it's not limited to the world, in fact, when we look at church people who are offended by other church people, we may see something different than what Jesus is talking about here.  Matthew 18 appears to have been written to help the early Christians know how to get along with one another first and then relate to the world.

     Something has changed in our 21st century world. Forgiveness has lost value as a stock on the Christian stock exchange. It has fallen out of favor, in fact it appears to no longer be listed on the Dow. How in the world did this happen?

     Perhaps it started with John Wayne. You remember John Wayne. John Wayne was one of my heroes growing up. If he were alive he would have turned 102 in May of 2009. John Wayne, Roy Rogers, Gene Autry, these were men's men. They were tough guys. They and their horses could take care of anything.

     In one of his movies John Wayne said, "Don't apologize- It's a sign of weakness."

     I think me, my dad, and every other man of our generation operated out of this mindset. I can't say I ever remember my dad saying, "I'm sorry, please forgive me," except for one occasion.

     Apologizing was somehow missed in the social etiquette training for many of us men.

     My dad was great with 'thank you,' but not so great with 'I apologize,' EXCEPT on one occasion.

     On my 16th birthday, my dad surprised me with two very distinct gifts. He presented me with a 1954, straight 6 cylinder Belair Chevrolet. I had no expectations and he had made no promises. Suddenly I had a car. I was speechless. He was able to give me something he had never received and this boy of his was excited to say the least.

     He also surprised me with something else later that week. One evening, he asked me to sit down and talk with him. I thought it would be about the car, but boy was I wrong.

     He seemed nervous and had trouble looking at me and I had never seen him like this before. He began by saying, "Son, I promised myself I would talk to you on your 16th birthday about something that has worried me all of your life."

     He had my attention immediately. This was unlike any previous conversation I had ever had with my dad.

     "When you were born 16 years ago, there were some complications with your birth. Your mother was in labor for over 24 hours and you were not positioned correctly to be born normally. Your mother was not doing well, we were all worried about her and about you.

     "After an agonizing day, the doctor came to me and said, 'Alfred, we can save the baby or we can save your wife, but I'm not sure we can save both. If it comes down to it what do you want us to do?'

     "Son, I didn't know you and I loved your mom and I did not choose you.

     "I am so grateful to God it all worked out, but I want to apologize to you and ask you to forgive me."

     Then as a 16 year old, I looked at my dad and said , "Daddy, of course I forgive you. It's no big deal. Can I go drive the car now?" and it was over for me then.

     But later in life, looking back, remembering, I realize it was a really big deal.

    My dad had for 16 years lived with heaviness and guilt about a decision he made that had shaped him and our relationship throughout my lifetime.

     Our relationship changed that day.

     Every person I know carries around some burden of guilt in one form or another. Each of us has some sense of regret for things we have done - things we are doing - or things we have not done that weigh on us, bring us down, that separate us from one another and from God Almighty.

     These feelings of guilt and dissatisfaction with ourselves can have a powerful impact on our lives. They can literally distort our perspectives, cripple relationships, and scar us forever if we allow them to.

     One of the hardest things in the world to do is to forgive another person when she has wronged you. For some people, forgiving themselves when they have miserably failed or grievously sinned is even harder.

     Forgiveness changes relationships. Forgiveness changes people. If we are to live in the kingdom of heaven, forgiveness is a reality we must choose. Forgiveness, Jesus says, is a matter of the heart. Our hearts must be changed and thank goodness we are not in it alone.

     God almighty, the maker and sustainer of the universe, is in it with us. His spirit is closer than the air that surrounds us. His love encompasses and sustains us. We only have to turn to Him as little children and accept this wonderful gift of grace.

     John Wayne was wrong when he said, Don't apologize-it's a sign of weakness.

     Jesus said if you want to be part of the kingdom, you must apologize. Forgiveness is a reality for all who enter the kingdom.

     Are we not each and everyone called as followers of the way to be living, breathing carriers of God's forgiving grace and love? How can we not offer to others what we have received?

     Too many of us don't know the radical nature of God's forgiveness. That's the power you and I have this day. To live forgiven and share the good news of forgiveness with all we meet.

     Too many of our friends and family are living isolated, lonely, guilty lives. They are not filled with JOY. That's another face of sin, you know, not being full of joy.

     We must tell others they can live forgiven. We can live free lives, forgiven, loved. We can live in the kingdom of God as God's children.

     "Who is the greatest in the kingdom?" Peter asked. "Whoever humbles himself as this child, and forgives others," Jesus said.

     Jesus or John Wayne, the choice is ours.

contact Ron King at rking@pilink.org

Scripture taken from Eugene H. Peterson's "The Message//Remix: NewTestament in Contemporary Language"