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  December 2009
We wish you a Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year!
In This Issue
Holiday Hope in 2009
 
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COACHING
2010 Series 
January 28-29
 Introduction to Coaching 
April 29-30
 Servanthood & Leadership Coaching
July 29-30
 Team Coaching
October 28-29
 Coaching & Community
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Dear Reader,
     Throughout my years as a pastor I experienced many mixed emotions during the ADVENT and CHRISTMAS seasons:
 
     *stress factors related to so many activities in and around the church
     * pastoral care ministries on top of sermon preparation 
     * mining for 'something new' within the Birth Narratives for sermons
     *the endless personal invitations, just to 'show up', particularly in larger churches (Sunday school socials, ladies meetings, men's groups, youth night, etc.)
 
     However, one of the most challenging aspects of ministry during these seasons circled around those members who were bereaved in some way. The loss of a spouse. Termination from a job. Empty nest losses. Crippling accidents or illnesses that left a parishioner and his/her family trying to adjust and manage...
 
     How does the pastor offer a reasonable hope? A hope that is not filled with sentimentality and cheap grace. As pastor it is one thing to work with an individual when they are depressed. It is another when they are angry and push you away. 
 
     Karen Erwin-Brown is one of our Therapists. She has walked through her own 'valley experiences' during this past year. In this edition she offers Holiday Hope. She (we) invite your feedback and response. We appreciate her vulnerability and  anticipate this article to be one you might want to past on to a friend or loved one this Christmas!
 
     INVITATION: I particularly want to urge you to review and consider the scheduled COACH training sessions beginning in January, 2010. These are skills you can apply whether you are working as a senior staff person in a congregation or as a committed layperson. Please be sure to contact us if you have further questions. 
 
Shalom.John Adams 0509
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John B. Adams, M.Div.    
Turner Ministry Resource Center
jadams@pilink.org 
TMRC
Karen Erwin-BrownHoliday Hope in 2009               
by Karen Erwin-Brown, LCSW, LMFT
 
     I'm a lover of Christmas. I love the church music, the Christmas story of Jesus' birth, the lights, Santa, surprises, elves, parties, food. Christmas for me is a time of joy and celebration. I decorate my house, play Christmas music, and eat off Christmas dishes. I EVEN BAKE!
     This year Christmas for us will be different due to the loss of two family members. We will keep some of our same rituals but will do a few things differently to accommodate ourselves and to remember those we have lost. 
     Christmas is not a time we associate with grief because of the joy and wonder that are usually part of the season. When we have friends or family who are grieving it's not unusual to want to try to cheer them up by inviting them to parties, buying presents, and most of all by not mentioning their dead family member. Sometimes those efforts, though well intentioned, fall flat in the face of grief. Of course, this doesn't mean we shouldn't ask friends or families who are dealing with grief to come to parties or not give them presents, but it does mean we need to ASK, not assume, that they want to attend and participate in all the "usual" rituals. 
     I'm not sure what all will be different about Christmas at our house this year. I do know that crying doesn't mean "I'm falling apart," it just means I'm sad, and probably will be for awhile. I do know that it's OK for you to ask me how I am, and if I feel like talking about it, I will. I do know, as I knew with the first Christmas without my Dad in 2002, that I will still have happy Christmases to come, but that this one will have some sadness mingled with the joy of the two new babies in our family.
     If you are coping with grief this holiday season perhaps some of the following ideas might be helpful:
1) Have a good cry. If you're embarrassed by your tears, let them flow while you're showering. Always works for me.
2) Plan some new holiday traditions to put with the regular ones. Maybe you don't want to put up a tree this year - be sure and tell your family ahead of time.
3) Do some writing. Write about how you feel, complain to God in a prayer journal, or write a letter to the person who died.
4) Phone a friend and talk about the person who died or talk about how sad, lonely or mixed up you feel.
5) Donate money that you would have spent on your loved one to an organization whose ideals you support. Give a new shirt and tie to a men's shelter or a doll to a needy child.
6) Play music and enjoy some memories.
7) Remember, often our dread about upcoming holidays can be far worse than the actual days. 
   

contact Karen Erwin-Brown at kerwin-brown@pilink.org 

     Karen Erwin-Brown is the director of the Pastoral Institute at the Shawmut United Methodist Church in Valley, AL. She has just entered her eighth year as a clinical social work and marriage and family therapist for the Pastoral Institute. She has been practicing clinical social work for 30 years. 
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